What podcasts are you listening to right now?

Currently? Zero. I don’t understand the point and when I do understand it – I am so hyper focused on the content than I am on whatever else I am trying to do. Essentially, my ADHD prohibits me from being able to focus intently on more than one thing.

I sometimes try to listen to “The Old Gods of Appalachia” but often do not get very far. I am so busy thinking or doing other things. This is frustrating because I love to learn on the go or while lying in bed at night – yet my ADHD prevents this. I will often be lying down or in-transit to somewhere and I find myself thinking about the day and ruminating. Did I make a good impression? Do they like me? Maybe they think I am stupid. Why did I tell her about the boss and me? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

However, I used to listen to podcasts at the gym. I worked out during the weird gym hours when nobody else was there. I would turn the volume all the way up and move station to station listening the entire time. The difference between then and now is difficult to pinpoint an exact reason, but I will do my best.

During that period of my life – I was very, very sick and truthfully, I shouldn’t have been in the gym to begin with. I think it stems from my consistent fear of loneliness. Listening to other people talk about interesting things made me feel less alone.

This didn’t last very long because once I returned to my home state – the loneliness dissipated. There is something to be said about being in a place where you feel wanted and needed. The droning hum of silence disappears – laughter and chatter fight a glorious battle against melancholy. I wish there was a way to find out who will win, but that is up to us.

Sometimes it is better to retreat than to fight another 1000 Year’s War. Find peace, find your place, and feel with whole, scarred heart.